examines
the
unique struggles and challenges that
arise when juggling the two different
lifestyles of being gay and being part of
the Indian American community.
Although acceptance has been gaining
ground in past years, there still exists a
wide gap between modern, open-minded
thinking and traditional values that
are centuries old. These bittersweet
stories offer an intimate look at the
secret society that has existed in the
shadows for years.
Being a researcher for a powerful international organization, 28-
year-old Pune-born Jayendu De looks forward to returning to his
trendy Washington, D.C. apartment to catch up on some of the
latest Bollywood movies while enjoying some chai and samosas.
Being from a traditional-minded family, he has kept his Indian
self intact, despite years living in the States. His struggles are
mostly typical: from career choices to friendship issues to dating.
The only difference is that De is looking for the perfect man, not
woman.
After years of shielding himself from the stigma of being
labeled gay, De has finally done the one thing he feared most,
telling his parents that he was gay. His love for his parents is
strong but De is in the process of testing every part of his relationship
with them. After coming out less than a year ago, the wounds
caused by the announcement of his sexual orientation are still
open and bleeding.
“It didn’t go down too well with them (his parents) at first,”
he
tells Indian Life & Style. “But I’m hoping that with time, they will
come around. I’m a little awkward talking about it with them still.
For some reason, I feel that this has always been a big let down for
them,” he adds.
After explaining to his parents what it means to be gay, and
spending days watching his mother’s tears fall without pause, De
tried something different. He reached out to his mother and
introduced her to his gay friends and community.
It was a radical move but allowed
her to see first-hand how supportive his gay
friends were of him. It opened her eyes
enough to move their relationship beyond
shock towards acceptance.
Mumbai-born attorney Ravi Sharma (not
his real name) spoke about his coming out
in stages. Believing it was just a phase in
high school, he denied his true identity and
was deathly fearful of his disapproving family
for not living a more traditional Indian
family lifestyle.
“My internalized homophobia didn’t
allow me to completely let go of what society
and family expected me to be, a normal
straight man… the truth of the matter was
that I was gay,” explains Sharma, who happily
now resides in the more accepting environment
of the San Francisco Bay Area.
Sharma finally made the move to tell his
mother. “When the words ‘I'm gay’ finally
fell out of my mouth, she (his mother) asked
me if I was sure, and then insisted that I
wasn’t,” he recalls. After explaining my lack
of sexual attraction toward women, she
asked if pornography would help. I laughed
and said no because I was born without the
attraction (towards women).”
When Indian-born and American-educated
Sarav Chithambaram first shared he
was gay with his best friend, his friend told
him to get over it. He went back into emotional
hiding for years after. Fearing the
rejection of his family, he is still trying to
come to terms with revealing his homosexuality
to them.
Battle Has Only Begun
Once an Indian has identified himself as
being gay, it seems the battle has only just
begun. In India, two men can live together,
walk hand-in-hand, sleep in one bed, and
be quite physical in public without any concern.
But the minute anything is perceived
as a gay gesture, the entire landscape
changes. Male homosexual sex is forbidden
by law in India, and is punishable with a
maximum sentence of life in prison. India is
still fighting this archaic law, which was filtered
down from British rule. In fact, this law
is rumored to be used by police as an open
invitation to abuse homosexuals.
Although there have been numerous
studies, there’s no clear scientific finding on
the origins of sexual orientation. Most
homosexual men state their awareness happening
in their teens, followed by a denial of
those feelings, then some level of experimentation
ranging from sexual contact to
fantasizing. This is regularly followed by a
striking realization of being gay, which is
frequently a turbulent and self-defining
time in the individual’s life and of his family
and friends.
A Desi Recipe Yahoo group poll, which
consists primarily of married Bay Area
women in their 20s and 30s, shows that
modern women today are still undecided on
what makes a man gay. The poll results
showed 68% believes gay men were born
gay, 24% had no idea, and 6% believes gay
men were born with more female characteristics,
thus making them lean towards a
more feminine sexual orientation. “Nature”
verses “Nurture” is the on-going debate.
Gay Indians don’t have as many resources
as their gay American male counterparts.
Things are changing, though. Nowadays,
gay clubs can be found in Mumbai and
Delhi. Indiatimes.com and Indiandost.com
are becoming two important sites for gay
men in India. Even Bollywood is showing
signs of change.
“My Brother Nikhil,” directed by Onir
Dhar, is one of the first Bollywood films to
feature a homosexual hero. The movie
shows a realistic glimpse of Indian’s intolerance
towards gay men and how they are
often abandoned by those closest to them.
“It was not easy to cast (this movie) as
most actors weren’t willing to do this role…
they were afraid of the perception that the
public would have. When we approached
various producers for financing the film,
the universal reaction was to change the
male lead to a heterosexual character and
then they would produce the film,” notes
Dhar. “At a conclave for the Indian Armed
Forces, the film was screened and for the
first time in the army, homosexuality was
discussed… this makes me happy because
somewhere the film has started a dialogue.”
The American India Foundation, based
in New York, has just begun tackling the
issue of the stigma and discrimination
against gay people in its their newlylaunched
HIV/AIDS program. The nonprofit’s
first action was to feature screenings
of "My Brother Nikhil" around the
nation to help raise awareness.
“Overall, I believe it’s often more difficult
to be gay and Indian,” says Sharma. “The
Indian identity is almost invariably a communal
identity. The problem of one member
of the family is the entire family's problem."
A Gujarat-born engineer, Mirage Thakar,
who hasn’t told his family of his sexual orientation,
expresses a similar view that
Indian families tend to be more close-knit
than most American families, and that even
one’s extended family is very involved in
one’s life and choices. When he finally
decides to announce he is gay publicly, he
worries not only about his immediate family,
but the hundreds of other relatives he
will have to answer to.
Kolkata-born Chithambaram says, “Lots
of Indians are very prejudiced and they
don’t know anything about (being) gay. In
India, people think that gays are hermaphrodites.
They’re viewed as sick and need to
be cured of the disease. In the USA…there
is a sense of freedom, lots of gay-safe
spaces, activist groups, social groups.”
In the end, each man interviewed
expressed a burning desire to be given the
same opportunities as their heterosexual
peers; socially, academically and professionally.
“I just want to be treated like
everyone else,” De states simply.
